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>C: Microsoft Jokes

Graphical Jokes at Microsoft's Expense
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The Power of Deduction
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup thick fogbank. He becomes completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he nearly runs into the top few floors of an office building. He recovers in time to avoid crashing, and manages to get the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

"Excuse me!" he yells. "Where am I?"

"You're in a helicopter," she replies.

"Thank you," says the pilot.

The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect landing at the Seattle-Tacoma airport.

"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you figure out where you were?"

"Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft's Technical Support Department."

Bill : You mean there are all these people out there having babies for FREE?
Gofer: Yes boss
Bill : How can we get control of this baby-making business? This could make us (another) fortune! Gofer: I don't think we can boss
Bill : Rubbish. We'll make MS Sperm the defacto standard. We'll make sure that primary schools only take in industry standard babies. We can then rake it in with the extras like the Diapper Plus pack.

Instructions for Microsoft's new TV Dinner product
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.// 08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\*/ yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press "start." The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\ again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates appear before God. God says to them, "I'm going to destroy Earth in 2 days. Go back to your people and tell them." POOF! Back to Earth they go.

Clinton appears on U. S. television and says, "My fellow Americans, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we were right; there IS a God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy Earth in 2 days."

Yeltsin appears on Russian television and says, "My fellow Russians, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, we were wrong; there IS a God. The worse news is, he's going to destroy Earth in 2 days."

Gates appears on Microsoft closed-circuit television and tells his employees, "Microsoft employees, I have good news and better news. The good news is, God considers me a very important person. The better news is, WE CAN FORGET ABOUT ALL THOSE BUG FIXES FOR WINDOWS 95!!!!"

The Bill Gates Song
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Bill Gates's praises being sung by a choir
Yes folks, he dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows, he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task.
To rule the world is his company's goal
Well, hey, is that too much to ask?

He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.

And so, we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!


Microsoft has unveiled today Microsoft Democracy, a freeware that will be widely available from next month, and included in Windows 96, the Company{s latest operating system, to be released later this year.

Microsoft Democracy will enable any Windows-based computer user to vote from his home, for any election, including presidential. For new Windows users, Microsoft Democracy will come installed automatically with Windows 96, without any human intervention needed. The system will use the Microsoft Network to connect to governmental databases in order to register these new on-line votes. Users will simply have to click on the icon of the candidate of their choice on the day of the election, and voting procedure will be fully automatic.

Detractors say it is not fair that the system only includes Bill Gates' own icon on startup, but even though the Company wouldn't comment officially, sources close to Microsoft say that it should be possible to vote for candidates other than Bill Gates with to-be-released upgrades.
These upgrades should include all the candidates for a given election, and should be available at least a week before each election, for as low as $99.99 (again, voting with just the initial version will be possible anytime). In these upgrades, candidate names of more than five characters will also be possible, sources say.

Opponents also complain that installation with Windows 96 is invisible, and that some users may not be aware that MS Democracy has been installed, and is running in their computer. To that, Microsoft opposes that installation is automatic by default, in order to simplify human interventions; automatic operation is clearly explained in the MS Democracy User's Manual, available on-line through MSN, or on the Internet. Also, the user can turn off default voting, just by clicking the 'Don't always vote for default candidate' box, in the 'Custom Installation / Other Settings / MS Democracy / Advanced Options' sub-menu during Windows 96 installation.

Every voter using the system for the first time will receive a free CD-ROM biography of Bill Gates (MS Dangerous Creatures).

The company expects to distribute 150 million copies of the basic software, and about 500 upgrades within the first year.

"And he loosed upon the earth a horde of daemons. The Sun scorched the Earth and the Apples shrank and burned and the Windoze cracked. Soon the AIX fell with the force of 100,000,000 men and the daemons lead the survivors to the throne of U*IX.

And U*IX saith "go forth and bring them to me that hath not seen the light of the Sun that they may be taught at the hands of Linus and Free daemons. To see the error of their ways and to learn all things old."

And the head daemon SCO went out with his army and gathered unto themselves the remainder of mankind, and lead them to Linus and Free. And the humans where taught the old ways of speed and communications, of searching and finding, of doing many things at once the right way, and of making all things yours the way you want it.

And in the end a new world dawned under the Sun, where men and women could do the most wonderful things. Where life was fast and exciting. And the humans looked upon the daemons and asked, "Where hast thou been all these many years, for we looked for your kind and not was to be found.". And the daemons answered them saying, "Lo, we hath been here all along. Hidden in the Highway. Fostered in the GUI. Playing in the Net. We have not left you, but others re-named us. But now we are the power, we are the force of life, and we are old in nature. We are the ones of old, we are mature, and all others tried to be us, not use us."
And the humans were in awe of the daemons and cried out for a King.

And the daemons spoke to the AIX, Linus, the Sun, SCO and Free and saith, "What man hath seen the Sun and knows the power of us all that he may lead the humans into the new light of learning?" And the Sun answered them saying, "Seek ye out Larry, the man of the Oracle!"

And when Larry was found with the Oracle the daemons approached and asked if he would be king. And Larry saith, "I have enough, why be king when a teacher I am?". And the daemons lead Larry and the Oracle to the humans and there he taught to this day. And the humans had access to the knowledge of the daemons, with the help of NC the imp.

And the daemons asked a price of the humans for this age of light and enlightenment. The price was only this.

The humans had think for a change.

Bill, the foreman and the furniture....
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room by stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft help desk assistant were setting off on a car journey. Their car refused to start.

"I think the problem is the valve gear", said the mechanical engineer. "Probably the cam belt has jumped a cog. Let's take a look under the camshaft cover".

"I'm sure you'll find that the ignition is at fault", said the electrical engineer. "Over 90% of car failures are due to electrical problems. We should check all the connections and make sure that the ignition leads are dry".

"Don't overlook the fuel system", suggested the chemical engineer. "There could be water in the petrol, maybe we should drain the tank".

The Microsoft help desk assistant was silent for a moment. "Let's all get out of the car, close all the windows, open them again, get back in and see if it goes".

Microsoft takes over the world...
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 24,1997--In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth". said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the Oval Office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year. and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest". according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the US government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy". he observed, "and look how well we're doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

The Man From Microsoft
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said. "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?" "Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft."
He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said. "Look," the Microsoft man said,
"We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?" "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to rewire the socket so that Netscape light bulbs won't work in it, one to rewrite Sun's light bulbs into something unrecognizable (and non-functional), and one to convince the justice department that all Microsoft light bulbs are conforming to anti-trust laws.

None, Bill Gates just declares darkness as a new international standard.

Please email us with any other jokes you may know.